I do realize that writing my blog and publically sharing certain details of my life, feelings, and experiences is disconcerting, but I promise, I try very hard to remain respectful. That said, I have a need to write at this time as this has been a very trying week, full of challenges that test me.
Because of the nature of the challenges and the people and events that have generated them, I will not be specific. Not this time. But allow me the forum in which to release my demons.
Deepak Chopra’s book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success is a book that sits upon my bookshelf and must be pulled out during times such as these. One of the laws resonates with me on this journey through life and that is not to judge anything. A difficult task for us humans, to be sure, but I have had to remind myself of that often. There are some people in this life that have proved to be a great disappointment to me, yet I must allow them their own life’s journey. One of my favorite sayings comes from the book, Into the Forest by author Jean Hegland: “You are your own person.” When I see people that I love or that are in my life doing hurtful things to either themselves or to others, my natural instinct is to try and “fix” them. That is not my place.
Someone in my life whom I love dearly has disappointed me greatly. They are destroying themselves and I am powerless to stop them. It breaks my heart.
Because of certain life-changing events I have experienced, acknowledging anniversary dates as is a common practice for me. Each one of my parents’ birth and death dates, for example, do not go by without reflection.
So, from this point forward Valentine’s Day 2012 will be a date I will remember because I had to make a decision that was necessary, but one that caused me great distress. It was not a good day and I feel a great deal of pain at what occurred, but I take the experience and allow myself to feel it and, the truth is, I believe it makes me so much stronger.
Sometimes when I am these reflective moods, I have what I consider to be the most profound thoughts about life. I pay closer attention to my surroundings: the sky, moon, wind. I allow myself to feel the love I have for my family and friends. I reach deep within me to truly feel what these people mean to me. Sometimes I am brought to tears at the raw emotion these moments evoke in me. The best thing that happens is that I become hyper-aware of how beautiful this life is, that this is the one and only life that I will have and that making the most of it: the painful and the joyful parts, is worth every single tear and smile.
Forgive me for this soliloquy, but just as I thought, writing it down (and even sharing it with the world at large) has eased me.
I believe I will be able to sleep tonight.